Studies Show Freshman Are Getting Slower in the Hallways

The Board of Education has shared the results of a poll that states that freshmen are in fact getting slower while walking through the halls of Ridgewood High School. Faculty and upperclassmen students were simply shaken upon receiving the groundbreaking news on a brisk March morning. Senior year student Aaron Wilacki is one of hundreds of RHS students taken aback by the findings of this tragic poll.

“I thought I was going crazy,” said Wilacki, “it felt like the entire world was moving in slow motion. Turns out, it was just the freshman walking so slow.” Other students retell their tedious encounters with the abnormally sloth-like personnel. Junior Sophie Heeshe  shares her traumatic story in the light of this appalling new development.

“I was once behind a freshman walking so slow that I’m pretty sure they started gravitating backwards. I was scared for my life!”

The Department of Freshmeat confirms the report and presents the new walking time of an average freshman at about -0.58 miles per hour, wildly surpassing their previous record of 0.01 miles per hour back in 2014.

“I don’t believe it,” commented Dr. Isabella Sternberg, a mechanical physicistcalled in by the department to help analyze the data, “they are literally breaking the laws of physics! How can they be walking at a negative speed! Absolute value of displacement is always positive! That’s impossible!”

Dr. Sternberg further explains how this new conclusion disrupts every rule of science we have ever come to know and love. “The Space-Time Continuum theory designed by Albert Einstein is completely disregarded when it comes to these people. The only explanation could be the time warp attributed to black holes, so this could be the very first evidence of wormholes in our galaxy. This could disprove a theory as fundamental to the explanation of our universe as the “Big Bang.”

The behavior of these students could be better described by Dr. Harris Graceson, who compares the migration patterns of Freshmen to geese.

“They travel in large, inconvenient packs,” he comments. “They tend to drift toward the middle of the hallways and sometimes take the form of a triangle to make their travels more aerodynamic.”

A reason for such a stagnant walking pattern is described by the Department of Freshmeat as a inbalance to the FBR (Freshman-Backpack ratio). The rapid increase in backpack size and decrease in freshmen size over time has lead to the gradual decline of walking speed. Other possible reasons for the aggravating and time-consuming system these students take on to get from class to class has been debated by many doctors, including Dr. Graceson.

“The stress and shock of entering a new school could be slowing down the brain activity and, by nature, slowing down the pace in which they walk. I’ve had lots of complaints by my freshmen patients about how demanding school can be for them. One even told me they had to type up an essay instead of writing it in crayon. Do you have any idea how stressful that is?”

But Dr. Graceson is not the only professional feeling the heat of complaints after the recent discovery. Faculty at RHS have been trying to prevent riots from starting. Participants being students lashing out in their frustration towards the freshmen class. Most demand justice for Jackie Sofa, an Ridgewood High School student who was tragically killed after trying to dodge a dawdling freshmen and flew down the stairs, suffering multiple injuries and dying.

“Today, we’re fighting to get rid of slow freshmen,” senior Julie Lewis remarks, who is holding a protest outside of Gym 1. “It’s those group of friends who always chat in mega clusters in the middle of the halls and refuse to move!”

Erin Dwyer
super serious writer person